How to Actually Help A Grieving Loved One

So, you want to help a grieving friend/family member and have no idea how. You’ve come to the right place.

Grief is complex and highly unique to the bereaved, which means that general statements of support are more or less meaningless. We know that you mean well, but just don’t know what to say. That’s the problem. The lack of a dialogue about grief support and the realities of bereavement have led to this inability to communicate; you feel awkward, so they feel awkward, and it never goes how you intended. It’s not your fault, this is a consequence of a wider societal issue, the refusal to acknowledge death and educate the public on the realities of grief, death and dying (read more about this in our section on Death Positivity).

What can you do then? What will actually show your loved one that you’re here to help and that you really do care?

In the book, It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand, Megan Devine uses her own experiences to break down the societal misconceptions about grief. In addition to this, she makes it abundantly clear that there are several things you can do, both little and large, that can make a difference in your loved one’s healing process. Listed below are some examples she mentions in this book, which I would encourage you to read through.

Try to think of how you can put these practices into action and personalize these suggestions to best fit the wants and needs of your loved one. This period of pain and change will be tumultuous, so it is up to you to be a steady supporter and beacon of kindness to remind them that they are still worthy of love.

Understand Your Role

Your job is to support your loved one, not to make yourself the centre of their grief. A lot of the “advice” around grief support in is to change what they’re doing or feel differently about their loss, which is disrespectful and ineffective. Grief is an incredibly personal experience, and the griever is entitled to feel however they are feeling. Even though you may think you would approach things differently, it’s not about you. Let your loved one take the lead on their grief.

Stay Truthful and Show Up

While it may seem like a good idea to turn your loved one’s attention to joyous memories of the past or promises of the future, this is counterproductive. You really have no idea what their future may hold, and the happiness of the past does not somehow make up for the pain they’re feeling now. Stay in the present with them, bear witness to their pain with a reassuring (metaphorical) hand on their shoulder.

It may also seem like a good idea to present them with hopeful, blanket sentiments in an attempt to comfort, but these are garbage. No, their work wasn’t “finished here” and it’s not “for the best”, what good does these truly do for your loved one? Just be truthful. You can see this pain is awful, you love them dearly and you are here.

You Cannot Fix This

This loss cannot be solved or fixed like a math equation. This process requires time to feel, time to process and time to heal. There will be pain that cannot be fixed with magical words, even if you wish this were the case. There is no point in trying to fix the unfixable, you just can’t.

It's Not About You

It isn’t an easy feat to support someone who is grieving. You will be exposed to all the volatile emotions, stress, anger, guilt, and endless questions. It’s likely that somewhere along the line your own feelings may get hurt. Your loved one isn’t able to show up and carry their half of your relationship right now. Please don’t think this is deliberate or personal. It isn’t. Try to find your own people to support you while you support your loved one, like a chain of supports.

Be Specific

Don’t ask your loved one to “call if they need anything,” because they definitely need something but they definitely won’t call. It is difficult to identify what you need when you are in the midst of such visceral hurt, and even more difficult to reach out and ask. Doing so takes up too much time and effort when there is barely any energy to start with.

Instead, offer your services in tangible, direct ways. Offer to come bring out the garbage and recycling at the same time every week, offer to walk the dog, offer to buy the groceries, etc. Be reliable and do the work.

Make Sure to Ask

When helping out to lessen the burden of everyday tasks for your loved one, make sure you confirm that they do want the help you’re providing.

Walking the dog and taking out the trash are pretty harmless, but any “irreversible” action should be asked about first. That empty cereal box you threw out may have been their partner’s favourite brand or that shirt you washed may have been one of the last shirts mom wore. Even though you mean well, you should make sure to check before you do.

Work Together

Situation depending, there can be some tasks that may be too daunting to face alone, whether this is casket shopping, funeral director meetings or packing up rooms. Make sure to offer your assistance and actually show up when you are called upon.

Follow the lead of your loved one and support them through these difficult processes. Bear witness and don’t try to take control without permission. Your presence and ability to follow through is more powerful than you may know.

Play Defense

It’s likely that your loved one will be bombarded by (well-meaning) people that want to offer their condolences and tell them how sorry they are. While this isn’t inherently a terrible thing, it can be way too much for your loved one to handle. Grief is already difficult enough to process, having to constantly maneuver through awkward social situations can only make that harder.

There may be ways you’re able to act as a buffer for your loved one, acting as the point of contact for other people, who relays information to the outside world and checks with your loved one to see who is allowed to enter their “bubble.” Maintain privacy and be the communicator.

Educate and Advocate

Now that you are more aware of the realities of grief, both in general and specifically about your loved one, you can act as an arbiter of this knowledge. Help other friends and family understand the importance of the things listed above and normalize the reactions and emotions that come with grief.

Do the hard work, do some further research, immerse yourself in the world of death positivity and death education. Spread what you learn so maybe one day we won’t have to make lists like this, we’ll just know.